belgaum, by the window

journal entry: 03.12.21-05.12.21

This journal entry documents some of my thoughts during my stay with my grandparents in Belgaum, Karnataka; mostly as I sat at Abu’s wooden desk, gazing at the lush green foliage sparkling in the sunlight beyond the window. You might have guessed that from the title. (:

I try and keep my journal at a remove from my otherwise unhealthy perfectionistic tendencies–and thus you’ll find my words and photographs here, somewhat scattered and mostly unfiltered. Regardless, I hope they can give you some of the warmth of a sunny Belgaum morning.

*

It was an ordinary morning here in Belgaum today; and I checked my phone after waking up—the usuals—Whatsapp, email and YouTube. I don’t know what made me do it but my attention gravitated towards a video from a channel I admire but rarely indulge in (in my defence, twenty minutes of philosophical reflections, even well-intentioned, appear exhausting when in the midst of a nose-to-the-grind academic semester). The video ‘These Simple Words Can Change How You Think About The Past’ was from the YouTube channel ‘Pursuit of Wonder’—it was the title that attracted me too.

The video was about Friedrich Nietzsche, perhaps one of the greatest philosophical minds of the modern world; and detailed his ideation of amor fati—a Latin term literally meaning ‘love for one’s destiny’. It was first used by Stoic philosophers the like of Marcus Aurelius; and then refashioned by Nietzsche to mean something more encompassing, more passionate than a stoic acceptance of fate—a joyful love for life and most importantly, love for one’s life as it is.

This concept formed a part of his larger philosophy of ‘eternal recurrence’. Put simply, if you were told that you had to eternally relive the exact same life you are leading now over and over again, what would you do? Would you joyfully accept it? Would you be terrified, would you try and escape it? Amor fati then, becomes a process of trying to gently and fully embrace the ways in which your life has unfolded and come to be, with its joys and sorrows; its keepings and partings; those who have held your hand, and those you have loved and lost; the times you succeeded and those when you shouldered the world—all of it. Exactly how it is. Without always being misled into believing that you should have known better, or chosen differently; when in reality, you did not have the gift of hindsight; and couldn’t have known how things would have turned out.

Perhaps it was the fact that the sun had finally broken out of the clouds after two long, rainy days; or that I was feeling more hopeful about life than I had felt in some time; but I was struck by how…utterly brave this philosophy was, especially considering the tragedy of Nietzsche’s life—unloved and unrecognized in his time. Moreover, he is popularly associated with nihilism, a philosophy that believes everything is inherently meaningless and absurd; but the life-affirming quality of amor fati suffused my heart with a warm glow.

However, as noble as this thought appeared, it also felt a little insurmountable—the idea of simultaneously making love to, and peace with life, exactly as it is. Nietzsche might have intended amor fati then, more as an ideal to strive towards, than immediately achieve and revl in. Which is why, what touched me more deeply was this sentence towards the video’s end—

‘Perhaps sometimes, the only way to experience the beauty of things is to think about things in a beautiful way’.

To savour the simpler joys, notice the smaller things; to appreciate how bravely we fight our everyday battles, to see more clearly the nuggets of wisdom we might have gained from past trauma and mistakes, instead of reflexively veering towards regret. To romanticize our lives, just a little.

To see the artistry in a falling leaf; to rejoice when the rain pours down, and see how caresses the green of every leaf, instead of the mud underneath; to sense how the sadness inside your heart pulses and sways to the melancholic songs on your playlist, and how you feel comforted after. To see how the morning light dries the tears on your pillow; and how it tinkers in through the window, polishing the wood of my desk, even if the papers across it remained lined and empty for a while. To hold onto the boat laden with good memories made with friends, when sailing through a dark night. To cherish those who have stood by you; and to look closer amidst the murky pain to see more clearly how letting go of some ties has made you stronger.

To sit on the balcony, and watch the skies and feel the winds change with the seasons; to see how the light fights its way in even through the dustiest of bus windows; how even amidst the jostling, your arm brushes that of a stranger—and in that brief moment of brief contact, there is connection, piercing the coldness of the city. To truly, truly feel how the journey of your life, like that bus commute, may have been long and hard—it HAS been long and hard; but you’re still here. Perhaps standing, perhaps crawling; but still alive and fighting.

Most of all, I think the most soulful way in which you can love life and see the beauty in its things, is to first recognize and nurture the beauty within yourself—how you’ve journeyed onwards, your footsteps ringing in the ears of those who discouraged you; how you try every single day to still find your way, even when you have felt inescapably lost. To be proud of the you who has held you; you, who has tried to take the tiniest of steps, but steps still, to be the most authentic self you can be—I, who was too shy to meet eyes, now searching for a moment of warmth with a stranger; I, who used to silence myself, now unhesitatingly singing along to the song playing in my earphones while walking on the way home, unbothered by the surprised looks, because it allows me to be more free. Because it allows me to be more me.

To hold yourself accountable to your principles.

And to forgive yourself a little too.

*

There is something that Kim Namjoon, the leader of the music group BTS (Bangtan Sonyeondan) said to their audience during the final concert of their HYYH tour in 2016 that deeply moved me the first time I heard it; and the more I think about it, has come to form the guiding force of my life. He was 22 years old at the time.

Namjoon explains what HYYH – Hwa Yang Yeon Hwa symbolizes, why it came to be the title of two of their albums and their consequent tour; and moreover, how BTS, as artists, and as human beings have tried to interpret it—

‘The Chinese characters Hwa Yang Yeon Hwa literally mean– ‘flower’, ‘shape’, ‘year’ and ‘shining’. It may sound like the phrase means ‘a flower shape shining like the sun’, but actually, the first two letters together mean ‘like a flower’, and the next two letters mean ‘a period of time’—so together– ‘a blooming period of time’. It means the most beautiful period of time in your life.

It’s nothing too special, but it can mean our youth. Maybe a period of time when something big happens. I know, young people especially, all around the world are going through so many dilemmas and tough times in their life right now. But from what we have experienced together, as artists and audience, and as one big family, I think happiness is not necessarily a singular something you have to achieve. You can still feel happy in the process of doing something.

If we change our perspective just a little bit, even these hardships can become part of the larger picture, part of our most beautiful moment in life. If we truly accept that in our hearts, I think our entire life, from the moment we are born, to the moment we die, will be beautiful.’

If perhaps, just perhaps, we could look at our life with all its cracks and fractures, its colours and swirling patterns, its sharp edges and its brimming love—not as a perfect whole, but a mosaic—mapping life as WE have led it; uniquely, fully, desperately; we would look back at it and smile. If perhaps, we could see more bravely, more clearly the beauty in our life, we would lead a more beautiful life.